Give it Forever

My husband and I saw a British film 2 or 3 nights ago, Give It a Year.  It's a romantic comedy, only the married couple couldn't fight hard for their marriage and were very alright with resorting to ending it as they reached the goal of giving it a year.   It simply was to easy for them to celebrate when one finally asked for divorce.  They both ended up with different lovers.  So, it was happy ending for both of them, but not for us because our values say otherwise.  We believe in commitment, the work, and the sanctity of marriage.  Needless to say, we were both disappointed, and didn't see it as romantic at all.  The good thing that came out watching it though is the following personal reflection (mine):

We're not exempt from the downs, and lulls in marriage, which I believe is quite natural for normal couples.    Outside of his efforts, here's my part of work to ward off giving up, especially in times of exasperation, frustration, and loneliness.

1.)  This is always heard in weddings, and it's classic advice for good reason.  COMMUNICATE.  That, and a dose of shutting up.  Yes, a lot of times, I just keep to myself (and it can be really lonely not to be heard, or not to be able to let of steam).  But we have to admit, sometimes we try to communicate our thoughts and feelings only to prove the other wrong.  Or other times, it's out of self-pity.  And these kind of "communication" doesn't always help.  A lot of times, what we really have to do is communicate to ourselves, look within, ask ourselves, face the person in the mirror.  Is the problem really with my partner or with me?  A lot of times, we're just being selfish.  Perhaps when we strive to become better partners, we actually get better at our relationships, and the rest will follow.  It takes me out of the victim mode.

2.)  When it gets a bit rough, I treat the whole thing as a second chance.  I imagine, I fast forward, I pretend in my mind.  What if I win arguments every single time, but in actuality, I'm losing the battle.  I have this sad script in my head, pretend that we're at the end of the road, and he are about to hit the worse case scenario... separation.  Of course, since I believe in marriage as indissoluble, I'd ask for forgiveness, plead, and to give US a 2nd chance.  And he'd say all he want from me was patience/ understanding/ support/ a little help/ ____, but no, I couldn't even give him that; and at that point it's a little too late.  So that helps me to not walk on that road that leads there.

3.)  Belief that an intact, happy marriage is the best gift we can give our kids.  So marriage before children makes sense, because the former will benefit the latter.

4.)  Remind ourselves that love, commitment is a choice.  When reality sets in, when you've found everything about the other that can be quite irritating, can we choose to look at the positives instead, all those great reasons why we married each other in the first place, and be thankful that he's the one you ended up with.  Appreciate.

5.)  Don't play with fire.

6.) Forgive.  Move on (especially when he already has).  Don't bear grudges.  Bury the hatchet.

7.) Understand.  Be a better listener.

8.)  Having Christ as the center of our marriage, for me, means (among other things) following this passage in the Bible:  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.  (Ephesians 5: 22-24)

In around 2 month's time, we'll be celebrating our fifth year.  My husband has been my pillar of strength, my anchor.  I couldn't be thankful enough for having been blessed with the best partner in life.  

Mark, if you're reading this, I love you, and I will forever.  Thank you.